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Library Humor: Skill Sets for Teacher Librarians

What your staff and students think you should be able to do
Hard to know whether to laugh or cry:

"Must be familiar with every book ever written, those currently being written, and anything that might be written in the future - including a firm publication date for the latter two."  

"Must be able to identify the location of any lost or stolen, or otherwise missing, book - then be able to make it materialise on demand."

but wait, there's more!! ...